I have 3 jobs — old (SK chair), floating (english teacher), new (call center agent). The first one I had since I was 15. The second was short-lived, 4 months to be exact. The third one is barely a month old. I’m not actually focusing all my energies into making a lot of money for myself. Coz it won’t work. Even how many jobs I have, I’m still broke. Bad. I also do not wish to be recognized as a model youth. Coz even how overworked I am, no one notices the efforts I make. All is still not enough. Just yesterday I happened to bump into this guy who acted rudely and criticized me for not doing ‘enough.’ Criticisms they say are healthy. They make one grow into a better person. It is with criticism that one evaluates himself and eventually drives himself to do greater things. But I don’t wanna go on anymore. I am tired of hearing so much about me. Attacks that are so unwelcome that it pains me to even continue the things that should be done. I am drained. I am bruised. But I am thriving. A bit embarassing to accept, but yes it hurts to be called ‘undeserving’ because there is truth to it. Reality hurts, it bites hard. Years before I decided to deal with things easy. I thought that people would just be contented with small things so I just continued doing small steps at a time, believing that small steps will lead to big things. But I realized that people are impatient and one-sided. They care only of what they think and feel. What can I expect? I tried to contain my feelings for years and just went on with life. But every now and then I am dawned with huge and dark clouds. Roofs and umbrellas are not enough when storm comes. I know I need something stronger to shield me. I couldn’t find comfort, I couldn’t find peace. I want something more. I need… All the drama, it’s a facade… I can be the greatest pretender I wanna be. But at the end of the day, I’m back to my old damaged self. Oh my, the river starts flowing now! *sniffs* I feel mad coz it’s not enough to wipe my tears. But crying actually makes me feel happy. It calms me. I love it that my mind and heart gets flushed once in a while. Crying renews me. I just pray that in the long run, I won’t be numbed by the bitterness inside me. I like to feel sadness and pain because they open up my eyes. These feelings make me aware of the deepest needs of my soul. I know there’s much to nurture but I’ll not take the aggressive way. I’ll wait ’til I reach the time for me to learn the proper release. That time when I can let go of every fear, worry, and all the negativities that follow. It’s sad that I can’t just cry anytime someone or something hurts me. It’s hard being an adult. Adults have a problem with showing their real emotions in public. There are a lot of rules. Fronts need to be built for one to be thought of as a grown-up who’s mature in handling responsibilities. But hey if people always mock you, does it mean that they care about what you say or do? Does it really matter that we listen to them? Isn’t it more ideal to follow what’s in our hearts? If I want to roll on the ground with mud to feel how it is to be a kid again, why do I first worry if I’d be laughed at? Real people do stupid things. Those who follow rules are fake. I am. I can’t help it. These are disorganized thoughts. They pop out one by one. This is me. Broken. I need to find some pieces. I need help. I need you. I don’t know exactly what you can do. I guess I can only figure in time. Don’t be fooled with what you see coz it’s not always what you can get from me. It’s not my fault that you assume, I never told you to. If you’re okay with what I can offer, it’s all up to you. But please, don’t blame me. I am struggling. Bear with me.

waaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! after 3 weeks of grilling and pounding, we survived!

congrats to all agent trainees of batch 209! we made it!

we’re on our 4th week, so let’s try our best to be certified for that usai project… simulation na pud for the nth time!

thanks to miss ai and miss joy for guiding us… miss jemar, peace tau! u certify na lang everyone ha! ehehehe…

more power to the trainees who were extended for 2 weeks…

hugs and kisses to flor paclibarrr! u may have been eliminated, but ur still one of my best friends in CCT… i miss you lots!

humanda ang biggest burger in davao courtesy of al’s diner kay mulamon jud ko ug daghan w/ matching sundae after our graduation!! wooohooo!

what’s up with people giving acrid comments about how i look?! i’m supposed to be on a ’sweet and kind’ mode today since tomorrow’s gonna be a holy crappy sunday! but i’m adding more evil thoughts every bloody hour instead! 

9:30 am

oje wakes up and goes to the nearest sari-sari store to buy pantene shampoo in sachet para makaligo na…

tindera: di ba nagtudlo ka ug koreans? mura pud biya ka ug koreana day kay intsik kaayo imong mata… unya ingon ni toot kay mura daw ka’g amerikana muistorya.

oje thinks: huh? chap, kelan pa ako naging ms. international?! ang aga pa para mag connect-the-dots. haaay~… ‘koreanang intsik ang mata with american accent’ ? clearly a cultural identity crisis! i-add mo pa ang german-speaking ability ko… now it’s a circus!

12:00 pm

mother’s friend calling…

toot says: hello jing?! asa na man ka? kita ta karon, nagtext ko nimo!

oje says: hello. te, wala si mama.

toot says: kinsa ni? anak niya? katong bus-ok o katong mubo?

oje thinks: dalawa lang naman kami magkakapatid. ako ang mas mataba, ako din ang mas maliit! leche, balian ko kaya ng buto ‘tong gurang na ‘to?

4:00 pm

habang nagwawalis sa labas ng gate…

bath soap dealer says: day, palit ug sabon pampaputi! barato lang.

oje says: dili lang te, salamat. *smiles sweetly*

b.s.d. says: sige na day, testingi lang gud ug gamit ang isa unya basin diay maangayan nimo. effective kaayo ni. kanang imong itum nga panit, muhayag gyud sa tulo ka adlaw.

oje thinks: god, stop me.  alisin mo ‘to sa harapan ko at baka masapak ng wala sa oras!… pakyu nang! color blind! excuse me noh, hindi ako maitim! tan ang tawag dito! palibhasa, crayolang single lang ang memorize mo! siyeet! tsaka proud ako sa kulay ko, daming inggit sa light brown shade na ‘to. putik, libu-libo ang ginagastos ng mga kano para ma-achieve ang ganitong kulay tapos sisirain ko?! mas kelangan mo kaya yan kaysa sakin?! baluga! :p

6:30 pm

dinner time. i was sitting beside my mother at the dinner table when my father comments…

papa says: nak, mura’g ikaw na man hinuon ang inahan. mas dako pa ka tan-awon sa imohang mama ba. ayaw ana nak, lain kaayo na.

oje says: *rolls eyes* pa, problemaha imong sarili kay mas dako pa ka sa lamesa.

oje thinks: it’s fatherly concern, i know. pero, hello, that’s the lamest thing to say to a pretty and accomplished daughter like me! that’s just like saying na okay lang magpabuntis sa isang adik basta wag ka lang magpakataba tulad ng nanay mo. ‘-.- 

An obsession after another… Here’s one talent I dig big time —

Regina Spektor!

A singer who’s got Über-unique vocal ability. And the songs she write, super impressive! She isn’t visually pleasing, I know. But what’s important is she can write and sing songs that will make your heart bleed with emotions…

(1) Fidelity –> i go crazy singing this song! makes me wanna tumble, split, jump, and die…

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
and It Breaks my Heart
when it Breaks my heart
but it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart
breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart

(2) SAMSON –> this one just makes me pour my heart out and cry… amazingly moving!

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

I’ve always loved Natasha Bedingfield. Her songs really hit the core of me. Don’t you just love it when certain songs seem to get every single emotion, thought, and fantasy that you have been hiding and keeping for so long ? It’s heaven… and it’s in the lyrics of her songs. Now here are some examples that simply describe my mood these days.

(1) SOULMATE –> the chorus speaks perfectly of my thoughts! 

Incompatible, it don’t matter though
‘cos someone’s bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you’re not easy to find

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I’m on my own
if there’s a soulmate for everyone
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

(2) UNWRITTEN –> my second fave among all her songs!

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

(3) The Scientist –> i like the original by Coldplay better, but it’s soothing to hear a female version of the song…

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I’m sorry,
You don’t know how lovely you are.

Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo

(4) I Wanna Have Your Babies –> my song for ‘my’ man! oh nigga, i sure want them babies from yah! *bites lip*

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
But what if it don’t?
What happens in my head stays in my head
But sometimes it won’t
What if you knew what I was thinkin
Would it make you like WOHHHHH!
I dont wanna risk puttin’ my foot in it
So ill keep my mouth closed!

mmm mmm m m m m m

(5) THESE WORDS –> my ultimate favorite! i shout my lungs out whenever i sing this, it’s just overwhelming!

These words are my own
Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
It’s who I am, it’s what I do
And I was gonna lay it down for you
I try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it’s not coming easily)
Whoah oh…

These words are my own
They’re from my heart
I love you, I love you
That’s all I got to say, can’t think of a better way
And that’s all I got to say
I love you, is that okay…

Well, those are just a few of her songs that i soooo love! If you wanna hear ‘em, visit esnips or youtube! Good day!

it was real cloudy this morning when i woke up… ‘guess the sky’s symphatizing with me… got up early coz i got some job to do at this holy place called darong… hmmm… sk life gets so boring and tiresome each day… i wanna break free from all responsibilities that i frustratingly try to accomplish, not to mention the support that’s getting fewer and fewer… when i started, i was this super-extra-positive girl, so idealistic and just eager to change how politics work in the country… but five years have passed and everything is still fucked up… i’m a waste… my position is wasted… i just feel so damned… it’s so hard to reach out to every young people in our community… we are like separated by a mile-thick brick wall… i feel so ashamed and useless… i want to escape… 

now, seeing how the elections get dirtier each passing day, i just want to grab a baby armalite and poke it on the foreheads of those filthy candidates parading like gay beauty queens on the road. i hate them. they make a goddamned country more goddamned.

so i was sitting outside the community hall this afternoon, and people were coming and going like ants looking for food. literally. i hear them saying,"naay bugas ipanghatag si tooot?", "pila ang hatag ni tooot?", "kanus-a man manghatag si tooot?"… haaay… it’s a reality… like a 500-year-old reality… it’s deeply-rooted in filipino history…  if i react negatively, they’d sure say: "karon pa ka? dili na ni bag-o day!"

so it’s obvious… we are forever GODDAMNED! 

this will be my first time to vote and i want to make a good choice… the bad part is that i personally don’t know the candidates… i don’t even want to sit 50 meters near them so how can i? there’s a lot of walking tupperware around… well, i don’t know if orocan is thicker or more durable, but who cares? the point is, they’re all plastic… well, knowing a politician and being one myself, they just have to… i understand that, it’s a politician thing… you can’t really tell a good leader from a bad one just by shaking hands with them… it’s simply stupid… if they invite you to their rallies, the major reason you’d go would be for free snacks and live entertainment (i.e. yoyoy songs, boomtarat dance, sexbomb-like performers etc.)… it’s so hard to determine who’s who… i think the best way would be to play it by ear… listen to ordinary people and find out how they describe candidates through their own personal encounters… 

i’m helpless so i can only watch people get fooled or fool others by luring them to join their bandwagon… politics in the country is a hopeless case… i know i can only whine… so ill just keep on whining… WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~~~~~~!!!!!

my family had a beach outing yesterday… supposedly to start a happy summer… i suggested na sa samal na lang sana pero my mom thought it’s pricey so sa great ole daliao beach kami napadpad… and shit, nandiri ako sa dami ng tao at sa pangit ng dagat dun… hello, milyones yata ang nagswimming that day… feeling ko tuloy naghalo na lahat ng wiwi, poopoo, pawis at lahat lahat na ng langis na pwedeng lumabas sa katawan ng mga tao… tuloy, ang dagat nagmistulang poso negro… i decided na di na lang maligo… pero may nakita kaming bangkero na nag-offer ng boatride for 60 pesos so go kami… masaya sana kung di lang ako nabasa ng tubig habang pababa na ng bangka pagkatapos ng 15-minute ride… ayun tuloy wala akong choice kundi makisawsaw sa maduming dagat… at ang resulta ngayon ay allergy!! waaaah… ang dami kong kati-kati sa katawan… namumula yung dalawang hita ko na parang kinagat ng isang batalyong lamok… nakakainis talaga!!! ayon kamot dito kamot doon ang drama ko ngayong araw… nag-alcohol na ako, lotion, ointment, tubig, sabon, loofah, at lahat na ng maisip kong pwede ipahid o i-kiskis sa balat ko… my goodness, anong gagawin ko ngayon… di ako makatulog sa kati… pati yata sa singit ko may red marks na rin… waaaaaaaaaaaah…. ANG KATIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i chatted with rochelle over the phone earlier this evening… long distance from cotabato… mayaman ang bruha! it was fun sharing things with her… she’s one crazy bitch… i miss her company… i miss our journ lab moments, food trips, movie madness, and more… haaay, college life was like my lost high school life… i don’t think i matured in college… how can i when i hang out with childish/child-like people in the names of marcela, rochelle, corina, joyce, teresa, etc… tsk tsk i’m the youngest but i act more of an ate to them… a cute one, for that matter… kkkkkk

at 10pm, i was surfing the internet while my sister, zoe, watched The Matrix on GMA 7… minutes later, she was shouting, "pagdali! naa na ang sperm!"… for a moment my world was shaken by the thought of neo being chased by a sperm cell… and then i checked what ’sperm’ she was referring to… yun pala yung watchamacallit na parang hugis octopus na umaatake sa ship nila neo… i was laughing hard on the floor the next second… i must say, that was priceless! oh sister… you made my day! T_T

i was bored so i thought of looking for some interesting stuff on the internet… check these out!

item #1 - for people, men especially, who would love to try a new way of eating a sumptuous (and i mean mouth-watering sumptuous) meal…

http://skirmisher.org/weird-shit/japanese-resto-lets-you-feast-on-naked-ladies/

item #2 - chinese soldiers show some camouflage-d love on V-day…

item #3 - korean toilet signs (DOs and DONTs)

For more interesting news and pics, visit weirdasianews.com!

it’s been a while since the last time i wrote about the updates in my life… ang totoo ang dami-daming nangyari sakin na halos di ko na alam kung saan ako dapat magsimulang magkwento… may mga pagkakataon na gustung-gusto kong ilabas ang nasa loob ko pero di ko naman pwedeng sabihin sa lahat ng tao… syempre dapat pinipili ko kung kanino ko dapat sinasabi ang mga bagay-bagay… nakakainis talaga kapag hindi ko nai-express ang feelings ko… tuloy sa ibang tao ko nabubunton ang frustrations ko sa buhay… ang daming kulang sa buhay ko na dapat punan… may mga chances na dumarating, pero di ko naman alam kung paano haharapin o kung paano tatanggapin… nagmumukhang naka-battle mode ako parati dahil sa reluctancy ko… it’s like i’m always holding back, afraid of unknown things… i have been praying for certain things to come at the right time… may mga dumating pero i don’t know how to ‘know’ kung yun na ba yung right time… ang tendency is it all slips away… pano ba naman kasi malalaman kung nasa timing na ba ang lahat? ayoko namang tira na lang ako ng tira… tapos di naman pala talaga hinog yung mangga… gets nyo ba? ayoko din na binibitin ko sa ire yung mga tao… kumbaga, kung kelan choks na masyado yung moment eh ‘vanished’ na ang next drama ko… obviously, lovelife section na ang tinutumbok ko… ang daming harang sa daan… para bang checkpoint dyan sa may sirawan banda? kapag gagawa ako ng move eh maghihintay pa ako ng reaction sa mga atribidang sanggigilid para i-assure na tama yung ginagawa ko… marami din kasi akong gwardiya, mga engot na nagbabantay sa bawat galaw ko… may mga buwaya pang abot-langit ang taas ng kilay pag nakatingin sa direksyon ko… ano ba yan, pano ba pumatay ng demonyo?!!

nakakainis talaga, one time nung nag-e-emote ako sa song ni nina… "someday someone’s gonna love me, the way i wanted you to need me, someday someone’s gonna take your place…" punyemas, i’ve been forcing myself to relate to the lyrics… pero kahit anong gawin ko, di pa rin tumatama sa target… pano ba naman, talagang no one’s gonna take ‘your place’ because wala man ju’y ‘you in my life’ in the first place… or kung  naa ba’y ‘place’ na na-fill or ready to be filled…hindi rin ‘nya’ naman talaga nakuha yung place na yun… di man naging ‘kami’… at di man ako sure na talagang ang love ‘nya’ ay ako lang… because all this time, di ‘nya’ man talaga kinlaro sa akin yun… kasi kung naging consistent lang yung words tsaka actions ‘nya’, it would have been the end of all this confusion… haaay, and yun na nga… i left… well, it’s more of ‘i escaped!’… nakakapraning… but the bad news is… di lang pala ako ang um-eskapo, ’sya’ din pala gumawa ng own drama… it wasn’t a surprise to me at all… i knew it was coming… and i accepted it naman… pero i hope for better things to come… God will lead the way… and i think i’m right on track… love for myself na lang ang uunahin ko ngayon, as in sobrang love for myself ang kelangan ko dahil hindi madaling layasan ang lahat na na-establish mo na… speaking of established connections, umuwi na yung mga amoy-kimchi kong mga estudyante… san pa, eh di sa korea! nahirapan kaya ako magturo ng english sa mga yun… pero naging close friends naman kami lahat kahit na kulang sila ng limang paligo sakin… ang maganda lang eh branded lagi suot nila… so, ngayon pa-email-email na lang kami… minsan may mga collect calls, pero syempre sila nagbabayad… hello? kahit nga isang sachet ng palmolive naturals shampoo with coco milk eh hindi ko mabili para sa sarili ko, pagbabayarin pa ako ng phone bills for IDD calls? ang chaka-chaka naman nun…summer na naman… nag-advance beach trip kami 2 weeks ago sa costa marina, samal island… it was fun… very short pero unforgettable din… cool kasi mga kasama ko, game na game… tsaka alam ko na pano laruin yung card game na ‘bluff’, thanks to jp who, btw, stopped working in seattle effective language center… and kudos to aicar din pala for the yummy sample of their dusk till dawn specialty… di ko nga lang sure kung may pinagkaiba ba yung kinain namin sa ibang chicken/pork barbecue… oh, how i miss my mum anita, my sister barbie, and the other teachers in the academy… i still get to see them pa naman pero it feels different now na part-time na ako… parang i don’t belong anymore… tsaka wala na akong sariling space doon…waaah! room 15, i miss you of all things!